It's all surreal

Here I am...12 months out. Just had my bandiversary and feeling great. I went to Old Navy this week(now my favorite store) to try on a new size....size 10. There was no way I was fitting my ass into a size 10. So, I bring the 12's and the 10's into the dressing room. I try on the 12's...too big. Do I dare try the 10's? Sure, why not! Holy Shit they fit!!! Yes, I had a little bit of muffin top going on but they closed without the button popping off! LOL I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry. I think the last time I was a 10, I was in elementary school. It's amazing...it's surreal!
I walk out of the dressing room in a fog, still not believing that it fit...it actually fit! :)
I then decided to take a friend's advice and walk my former-fatass over to Lane Bryant to try on my old size of 28. As I walk in, the sales associate looks at me like I had ten heads, asking me 'Is there something I can help you with'. I explained my situation, how I'm banded and the only time I can see my transformation is in my photos. But when I look in the mirror, I still see fat ol' me. She led me to a pair of 28 pants, and as I took them off the rack, my response was "I can't believe my ass was that big!". Wow! How the heck did I get THAT big? Wow!
I took the 28's into the dressing room and put them on. Then it hit me...wow again! I could fit BOTH of my legs into ONE leg of the size 28 pants. Again, how did I get that big?! Wow! I walked out of the dressing room in awe, laughing. The sales associate was nice enough to take a picture with my cell phone so I could keep the memory of me, a 10 vs the old me, a 28.
I have about 25 lbs left. It's a slowwwwwww process now. I have to learn to get my ass off the couch and exercise more. Yes, I have skin. What fat person do you know that loses over 100 lbs does not have skin? Comeon people!!! And why are people so worried about skin? I'd rather have skin than medical problems from being so big anyday!
My husband pointed out to me, that for the first time since surgery, I had complimented myself. A friend wanted me to go to the diner with her. I politely declined, knowing that it was too late to eat and quite honestly I didn't need it. When I came home early, my husband asked "Why didn't you go?" where my response was "I'm a former fatty and no former fatty can go to a diner and watch someone else eat...I would have ordered too". LOL So there goes it. I have finally admitted to myself that I'm not as big as I used to be. Hooray for my accomplishment for getting rid of 111 lbs AND for FINALLY realizing it!!!

To Century and Beyond!!!

I was so excited to get to century(losing over 100 lbs) but now that I'm there, it doesn't feel any different. I've been there for a few weeks now and my weight was just sitting at 101. Now, I've had my 5th fill (my last one was in the beginning of April) and the scale is my friend again. As of today, I'm down 104 lbs. I'm banded just about 11 months now. Insane! I can't believe my bandiversary is around the corner and I'm almost at goal!
I look more and more at other people and ask my mom or a friend "Am I bigger than her?" because I feel that big and every time, they say "No way!". So why do I still feel just as big as before?
I am definitely more critical of myself now than when I weighed 286 lbs. I know, I know...But I think I realized WHY I do that...
When you're fat, you know that other people know you're fat. They take one look at you and don't think anything but "damn that girl is fat". So being fat, you don't care what you look like because no matter how hard you try, you're still seen as the disgusting, fat girl. Yet now, when I look in the mirror, I care what I look like. I notice the fat here and the fat there. And knowing that more people will notice me because I'm looking better, I feel they will be able to pinpoint my specific negatives.
Plus, no matter how thin someone is, no one is EVER happy with the way they look. I have friends who are size 2 and still whine "omg I'm sooo fat". Seriously!!!
So will I ever be happy with my weightloss other than I don't look like a blob?

Smiling on the Inside

It's all about karma. Remember my previous blog about my family member who told me that I wasn't huge anymore, that now I was just fat? That was a few months ago. Now picture this...
She calls me to go out shopping with her. Now mind you, the echo of the words she said to me months ago still screech in my head like nails on a chalkboard. Thinking that now that we are the same size, I am willing to go out to the stores with her for clothing. So, as I'm searching for my size large or medium shirts and my size 12/14 jeans, she calls out to me "Get me a 2x shirt and 16/18 jeans if you come across any". I was in shock! Not only am I not huge anymore, I'm smaller than she is!!! OMG! No way! Here I sat comparing myself to her, wondering if I am the same size or still bigger than her. But I'm SMALLERRRRR!!!! I don't think I have ever smiled so much on the inside ever before. I even got the courage to say "Oh, btw, I have clothing you can have that's too big for me". Ahhhh that felt sooooooo good. I know it sounds mean but I have never been so happy to feel good about someone else's misfortune. But, she brought it on herself. Karma...it's a bitch! HA!

Insert Foot In Mouth

This past week was my weigh in and I am still losing more than I think. I'm now down 96 lbs, as of last Thursday. It's crazy that I'm almost at the 100 mark. It's maybe even more exciting than getting into 'onederland'.

So, 4th of July...Picture this...

I'm standing in line to get the kids food, and I look to my left to see someone I have seen at other events, yet don't know personally. I, being polite, say hello. She looks back, says hello and then asks the NO-NO question. She says "When are you due?". I have NEVER wanted to beat the living crap out of someone as I did just then. My heart sank. But I get up the courage, think of something and say "I'm not pregnant, I've just lost almost 100 lbs, but thanks anyway". Boy did she feel stupid. As I go about my business, I hear her saying "I'm so sorry. I'm so embarassed". So as I'm walking away, I say, "Well, you should be".

I mean, what a bitch. Now mind you I had a shirt that was tighter around the chest and poofy-er on the bottom(see pic) but NEVER, NEVER ask someone if they are pregnant if you don't know that they truly are. I mean wtf. Here I am having a hard enough time seeing the difference in the weight that I have lost and I have strangers asking me when I'm expecting. Do I still really look that fat? I mean, even when I was almost 300 lbs, no one ever asked me. I guess then I just looked fat and not pregnant. But really...WTF!

So, here's the moral of my story. Don't EVER ask that question to someone you don't know.

Keep on Swimmin...

So, the weightloss is definitely slowing down. I still weigh my proteins, and eat what's best for me but I think my body is at the WTF stage. Someone said recently that everyone's body has a 'happy weight'. I don't believe it. I know I am destined to hit goal. 43 to go! I have been trying to get to the gym more often. I think some days, I don't eat enough. Maybe that is my problem. I'm still losing, just slower. But hey...93 lbs in 9 months is awesome...right?

HOLY INCHES BATMAN!

Just wanted to do a quicky blog that I measured the amount of inches gone so far....58.5 inches!!! Wow! 88lbs down really does a lot!!! Go me!

Get the F Outta here!

So, I went to Dress Barn today to find a new dress for my cousin's bat mitzvah. I do love the previous one but it's a religious event and a daytime party, so it was a little too formal. I will be saving that one for a later to get altered when I need it.

Anyways...back to Dress Barn...

I gather up a bunch of 16s and go into the dressing room. I try the first one on, too big. Then the next, too big. NO FREAKIN WAY! I couldn't believe it! I had try on 14s!!!! SERIOUSLY NO FREAKIN WAY! LOL

So, I bought my first 14 since who knows when! I still can't believe it!!! NO FREAKIN WAY!! HAHAAAA!

Here is the pic...what do you think?

Welcome to ONEDERLAND!!!!

So yay! I'm finally at the hump in my journey! Onederland! Onederland, for those who are clueless, means I am no longer in the 200's. I weighed on my scale today at 199. The last time I was 199 was, back in 1997. Wow. That's insane! That leaves me with 49 lbs til goal!
This is insane. I still have days that I can't believe I actually went through with this surgery. I was scared, nervous, you name it! But, I did it! And now, look at me.
I'm finally starting to feel comfortable when running into people I haven't seen since college/high school. Some days are still hard. I look in the mirror and instead of being like 'eh, who cares', I look and say 'omg this is fat and this is fat and this skin sucks and that skin sucks'. It's horrible. I know I'm not alone out there. It's a stage that most bariatric patients go through. And I even have friends who have always been a size 4 and they even think they are fat. I'm like "you wanna see fat", as I show them my belly skin. Atleast I can make someone feel good off of my nasty belly.
I sometimes ponder putting a photo up of the nastyness that goes on under my clothing. My body has been through a lot over the last 2 years. The twin pregnancy had my skin stretched to max, and then the surgery/weight loss was an added bonus. My stomach has officially swallowed my belly button, as my daughter explains it. So, once the 6month post-goal comes, I will be having atleast the tummy tuck and then hopefully the boobage done too. I can't wait! Woohooooo!

Stress can be a wonderful thing!

A lot has been going on with my kids being sick and one continuously hospitalized. But, on the bright side, all the stress and restriction combined together and I'm now 83 lbs down since banded 7 months ago!

So, I retried on a dress I tried on in the middle of March and it is looking nicer, isn't as snug and my boobs aren't falling out as much as they were. lol

I still have a way to go but I'm hoping to wear this dress to an event in June. As long as I stay on track, it should fit wonderfully by then and my side view won't look so huge.

Restriction, Restriction, Restriction

I think I am finally where I need to be restriction-wise. I am now 6months post op and down 78lbs. On Tuesday, I had my 4th adjustment to the band. I finally have that feeling that I've heard people talk about. I haven't gotten sick, or gotten stuck(knock on wood) but sometimes when eating and even drinking, I get that tightness feeling. All I can say is WOW! I've lost 4 lbs since my adjustment due to a few things. Thank you restriction and stress! LOL

I am not back to eating the amounts that I should be eating, and not an ounce more! I am eating a lot slower and smaller bites. I can tell this $300 adjustment is going to pay off! Now that my insurance isn't paying a dime, I have to make each adjustment count even more than before!

Before being banded, I was 286, now I am 208. I am almost in what they call "Onederland". It's an amazing feeling! I haven't been this thin since my college years or maybe earlier.

Now if only my post-4-kids belly will get even smaller. All in due time! :)

Cigna Sucks!

So, I found out that our new health insurance will not pay for anything having to do with weight loss. Basically, no post-op visits with my doctor and no band adjustments. I feel so depressed.

If you look at the whole thing in perspective, the insurance companies would rather pay out millions of dollars on medications and dr visits for heart disease, diabetes, etc as opposed to pay for those same people to become healthier. Doesn't make much sense! God Bless America!

I'm in the process of fighting my insurance company to pay for this. They need to look at the whole picture, such as, I'm off of my heart medication.

Tomorrow I will go weigh in when I visit my doctor's office with paperwork for the insurance company. Wish me luck!

Here's a pic I took today! Yay!

5 Months Out & Trying on BATHINGSUITS LOL

Daring or what?!?! What was I thinking??? IN A BATHINGSUIT?! LOL

I am officially half way to my goal! In only 5 months time, I have lost 70 lbs!!! I average about 8 lbs a month which is great and all but I just can't wait to be there already! The first month, the weight came off like butter because of the liquids only diet. From then on, even when I was on all the 'diet programs', I never ever consistently lost 8 lbs a month. So if all goes as planned, and I keep up this amazing job of 8 lbs a month, by December, I will be about 140lbs.

Recently, we had our family photos done and I was VERY excited. I looked in the mirror that morning and thought "Damn, I look hot", but when the pictures printed out, I felt as though I haven't lost any weight. I cried. I just wish there were a way to get my mind to catch up to my body. I mean, comeon...70 lbs. I KNOW it's great. I KNOW it's a huge accomplishment. I KNOW I am healthier. I am totally proud of myself. But at the same time, how does one, after being fat for years on end, come to terms with not being huge anymore?! My mirror screams "yay" but any pictures of myself or seeing myself in a store window reflection has me think twice. Thin people don't understand the aspect of being fat and having the mind of a fat person.

My husband and family have been very supportive. My kids always ask "mommy, is this protein" lol. It's very comical. My husband took me out for dinner the other night and it was wonderful. When we left, he said "Tonight, get whatever you want. Treat yourself. Just once". I had to explain to him that treating myself to food with the mindset of only once wouldn't happen, because then everytime would only be 'that once'. I had to explain that I don't want to treat myself with food. When I hit goal, I want to go on a nice vacation. That's my treat. And I'll even make sure I go for my adjustment beforehand! :)

Chocolates? Are you kidding me?!

So, today is St. Hallmark Day aka Valentine's Day. Oh what fun! So, in the 11 yrs that my husband and I have been together, I have gotten a variety of presents throughout the years on Vday. Never have I gotten chocolate or flowers. They are both the typical, boring present so it was always ok that I did not get them. Well, this year, knowing that I am on a strict 'diet' and trying to change my body for the better, what does he get me?!....chocolates. Yup! Ha! @@

I knew about this before Vday because as I was doing the banking, I saw a purchase for Gertrude Hawk. Obviously, it was chocolate. Already, I could feel my blood pressure rising. I called him and said "Oh, you bought Abby(our daughter) chocolate for Vday?". He said "No, I didn't buy any for her". I immediately flew off the handle..."Are you serious?! You got me chocolate?? I had surgery a mere 4.5 months ago to lose weight and be healthy and you bought me chocolate...for real. I can't believe you would do something so stupid". The words spewed out of my mouth in anger. I mean, really, chocolate?! So he says "Well you told me you bought chocolate the other day" in which I replied "I bought a dime-sized piece of sugar free chocolate from a homemade chocolate store...ONE piece, not a whole freakin box". He tells me "One at a time won't hurt". I don't think he realizes that any person who is/has been fat, can not eat one piece at a time. Food is an addiction to fat people, almost like alcohol or drugs. It's like an alcoholic taking one sip of alcohol. Because you know it's all downhill from there if they do. Now granted, he did buy me the sugar free chocolates BUT the carb content for an portion the size of a quarter is 26g of carbs! Um..yea. @@

So, as much as he meant well, it really wasn't thought out.
Happy St Hallmark Day everyone!

Here's a pic of my wonderul day!

Adustment #3...glad it was today

I am sooo glad to have my 'fill' today. 7am I met up with Dr. Gritsus at Chilton Memorial Hospital. I was a little worried because I thought my port had flipped. Sometimes when I bend and then lift myself up, I hear/feel a popping sensation. I was sure my port flipped but it has not....whew! It must just be from losing so much weight so far and the port is shifting with my loss which is normal.
From that appointment, I went to the nutritionist who I hadn't seen since before my surgery(other than support group meetings). It went well. I like her scale. Because if her scale is correct, I'm now down 64 lbs...and I even had heavy clothing on!!! Woohoo! She assured me that no matter some of the negativity I have been hearing from certain people, that I am doing a GREAT job. My bmi went from 49 to 38 in 4 months! I'm no longer morbidly obese...now I'm just obese! LOL
On the downside, I have been struggling with some personal issues. I'm glad I had my 'fill' today because I have to be on liquids for atleast 24hrs. Today, everything that I was holding in, just came exploding out and mentally, I am drained. If not for my fill, I think today would have been filled with comfort foods and as much as I could eat of them without making myself sick. I know that would not benefit me in any way, nor would it make things better in the long run but damn I could soo go for snacks, chocolates and whatever else I could fit in my pouch right now. So, like I said, I'm glad I am not allowed to eat today! Eh...what will I do tomorrow? Hopefully a good night sleep and all the crying I did today will make things even a tiny bit better....

4 Month Bandiversary

Today is exactly 4 months since I've been banded. 9/22/08 has changed my life forever, for the better.

Tonight I spoke at my dr's seminar. While he was speaking, I sneaked myself into the back of the office where the scales are and I'm down 62 lbs! Woohoo! I don't think with all the diets I have ever tried over the years, that I have ever lost 62 lbs total, nevermind alone in 4months!

Right now I'm a little nervous because of slippage. Slippage is when your band slips out of place. This can happen from vomitting and at the moment, everyone in my house has the stomach virus. So, with some anti-nausea meds, I'm hoping to avoid atleast the vomitting part.

My self-confidence has been getting better with time but some days it still sucks. I recently had a family member say "You're not huge anymore...now, you're just fat". I didn't say anything but "oh thanks" with some sarcasm because I knew it wasn't worth the fight. I guess her yo-yo dieting is so great that she felt the need to shoot me down. I'm sure that I'm maybe 30 lbs more than she is, so I can't wait to get past the point and just smile, knowing that I'm not the 'fat' one between the two of us.

So, yea...62 lbs rocks! I'm feeling great. It's definitely the best feeling having people say "you look amazing". People actually notice me now. People say hi when they pass or hold doors for me, whereas before, I was just this huge blob that they would look the other way when I walked by. I LOVE IT! And I wouldn't change it for the world!